"Leah" Revealed

I knew that this shit would come up sooner or later. But since "sooner" is better, I've decided that now is a good opportunity to come clean on something.

For the past year, I've referred to my ex-wife as "Leah" (I've also added the disclaimer that it wasn't her real name). One of these days- if she's still alive (she's had heart problems for years, and she's also the size of a bowling ball- an 180 pound bowling ball, at that...)- I may run into her (probably by which time, she won't even remember what I look like. It's been almost 10 years since we've gotten into our last catfight. Keep the claws on standby, Darren, you sexy kitten...), and she's had this nasty habit of reading my journals, so it's likely that she may come across this blog (or the printed pages...I print these sometimes for record keeping). And she likely will ask me- in a likely nasty tone, and knife in hand (that scar on the left side of my bottom lip being a nice little reminder)- "who the fuck is Leah?" Oh, yes. Believe it, true believers, ol' girl's gonna ask.

So, I've decided that today- Monday, May 8, 2006 (or for those on the other side of this "Big Blue Marble"- remember that TV show that came on in the mid-1970s? I do. I was 6 or 7 when it came out- Tuesday, May 9, 2006) at 1:31:26PM Pacific Daylight Time, at the Multnomah County Library, Central Branch in the city of Portland, county of Multnomah, state of Oregon, Republic of the United States of America, planet of Earth (last time I checked anyway) to reveal the real name of "Leah".

Drum roll please...

Leah is...Mary.

That's right, Mary S., who lives in Columbus, Ohio- at least, you did when I left almost 9 years ago, and likely still do, and still will. The woman who I used to call "Sweet-Ums" (this is the first and last time I reveal the nickname I gave you). You're "Leah".

The reason I called you "Leah", Mary, was to protect your identity. After all, this goes out to an international audience.. But then I thought that I could do the same thing by just doing the same thing I do with others when I write about my escapades and adventures with them- name you on a first name basis- and in some cases, use aliases, which in your case, I gave you the alias of "Leah".

Don't worry, I won't plaster these pages with pictures of you, unless you request it (and that goes for all the other women I sleep with, too...and believe me, I'm about to meet my quota of sleeping with 10-plus women this year. Hey, gotta be the slut, right? Use it or lose it, right?...).

So, Mary, I'll refer you to your real name from now on. Of course, if I meet another "Mary", I'll use the last initial- even if the last name begins with 'S' (you'll just be "Mary", and the other "Mary" will be "Mary S"....or "Mary K"...or whatever...).

Now, doncha feel better, Darren?

(Cue song "Doncha" by the Pussycat Dolls...doncha wish your girlfriend was hot like me/doncha wish wish your girlfriend was a freak like me..." of course, substitute 'boyfriend' for 'girlfriend' here...).