My Dick's Stuck To My Stomach

FADE IN:
INT. DARREN'S OFFICE- DAY
Your humble douchebag correspondent, DARREN ALEXANDER, finishes up a sentence on his laptop. He faces the camera.

DARREN: Greetings, scandal lovers. Last night, I talked briefly on the poor bastard who got beat up by his three lovers- and his wife. The four, Therese A. Zieman; Michelle Belliveau; Wendy Sewell; and the wife (unidentified thanks to the cocksucker husband who is a sexual assault victim) are charged with false imprisonment and one of the women faces a fourth degree sexual assault charge...excuse me...

DARREN: Uh...Cathy. What are you doing?
Cathy reaches inside and strokes Darren.
DARREN: Ah, yes. That feels--OUCH! Damn, woman. what's the matter with you?
CATHY: You've cheated on me with that bitch Nicole for the last time.

Cathy slaps Darren across the face.
DARREN: Can't you see I'm in the middle of a show here?
CATHY: Oh, I'm sure that your audience wouldn't mind (to camera) Would you audience?
DARREN: Security? Somebody get Cat off the stage.

FEMALE SECURITY GUARD #1 struts in and takes out her handcuffs.
DARREN (TO GUARD): That's right. Escort--
Security guard# 1 handcuffs Darren.
DARREN: I said handcuff Cathy here, not me. (to camera) Folks, you get the feeling that this entry's not going well? Anyway, the four women each face six years in jail for kicking the poor saps' ass and--(to Cathy)Aha! we're making a porno, aren't we? You dirty girl--(Cathy punches Darren)Are you out of your rabbit ass mind? (to camera) Excuse me while I attempt to talk sense to her...

FADE OUT:

nzoz1985/YouTube
FADE IN:
INT. DARREN'S OFFICE- DAY
Darren is tied up.
Cathy and Female Security Guard #1 are joined by three more females- the aforementioned NICOLE, the second being Darren's ex-fiancee DEBBIE, and the other, Darren's sister Renee.
DARREN: Okay, I'm back and---damn it, Renee, I'm your favorite brother. Will you let your big brother out of this--
Renee kicks Darren in the knee
DARREN: OW! Nee-nee!(say "nay-nay")
RENEE: You were always a douchebag.
DARREN: Like Josh wasn't?
RENEE: Josh is the nicer of you two...prick.
DARREN: That's...um, very nice of you, Renostacles (the crazy nicknames we come up for siblings when we were kids...to camera) I see I'm not going to get any help from family here (to Debbie) Oh, Deb-Deb, I still love you. Even after twenty years (Darren sings- quite badly) I'm still in love with--
Debbie slams Darren's head on his desk.
DEBBIE: You weren't all that good in--
DARREN (TO Debbie): Okay, I get the picture. But you know I still love you.
Nicole- Darren's current girlfriend- places a choke hold on Darren.
NICOLE (to Darren): What the fuck did you say?
DARREN (to Nicole): I mean you, baby. You, I love.
CATHY: make up your mind, Casanova.
DEBBIE: Yeah! Make up your mind.
NICOLE: Which one of us do you want to fuck more? Me? Debbie? Cathy?
Cathy hovers a tube of Krazy Glue over Darren.
CATHY (to the other women): Girls, I think it's time we glued it shut.
Cathy places the tube hole over Darren's mouth. Darren shakes his head violently.
Cathy and Renee glance at each other- with icy grins.
CATHY: Stroke him, Nikki.
DARREN: Hope for me after all.
Nicole lovingly waxes Darren's general.
Cathy squirts Krazy Glue on Darren's cock. Darren's eyes bulge.
CATHY (to Nicole): That's right. Stroke it, baby girl.
DARREN (to camera): This is not in the script, people!
Debbie and Renee punch Darren in the face, as Cathy strangles him.
Nicole slams Darren's cock to his stomach.
NICOLE (to Darren): That'll teach you not to fuck with us.
DARREN: Are you bitches out of your minds? Wait until I get my hands on you cunts!
Nicole, Cathy, and Debbie all do faux lap dances on Darren
nickles1284/MTV/YouTube

DARREN: The august agency that represents me. Bastards. Anyway, the husband ended up like...uh...this...it's...it's...oh, goddamnit! They may as well welded my cock...why me, God? WHYYYYYYY?!

Okay, so the script's- and the acting's- kind of tacky. But I thought I'd have a little fun with this. The story, which you can look at by just clicking on the link in the "NFTHE-Twitter Updates" (the one to the left of "The man...the wife...and the 3 pissed-off lovers") to the story from the Appleton (Wisconsin) Post-Crescent.

As for me, I think I'm going to have to get a knife...or a crowbar.

Disclaimer: No Darrens were harmed in the making of this production.

(C) 2009 by Darren W. Alexander. All Rights Reserved.