My Honor Student Gets Stoned

In the same city that Abraham Lincoln gave his Gettysburg Address- some six and a half score and three years ago- a mother awarded her 13-year old son a few hits of marijuana for finishing his homework.

Now imagine this. I come home from...let's say Park Street Middle School in Grove City, Ohio (where I went to in the sixth and seventh grades. GO PUMAS!), my English teacher, Mr. DiTallico (one of my favorite seventh grade teachers) or even Mrs, Houghton (that dreaded sixth grade math teacher. A conservative radio talk show host's wife- no names, please!- looks just like her) gives me homework. I come home, finish my homework, and my parents, Joe and Reida, gives me pot for my reward. Now, of course, that didn't happen, but what if it did? I- along with my siblings, Renee; Josh; Missy; and Shelly- would've been one really happy camper, no doubt.

Well, the mother, Amanda Livelsberger, 30, recently pled guilty for misdemeanor charges of corrpting minors; possession with intent to deliver; possesion of a small amount of marijuana- should've moved to Oregon, Mandy. We're more liberal with pot laws- and a few other charges.

I'm not exactly for the child smoking pot, but if he's at home, under parental guidance, I don't think it's any of the government's damn business what happens. After all, what happens behind closed doors should stay behind closed doors.

Of course, I can't help but wonder if the producers of Showtime's Weeds are reading this story.

Where Were You On September 11, 2001?

It's a question that will be asked today.

Where were you on September 11, 2001? What were you doing? No doubt your reaction was of horror, shock...surprise. Anger at those responsible. No doubt we all felt that on that horrendous Tuesday morning, when life here in the United States forever changed. When the security and peaceful complacency we felt since the end of World War II, perhaps, have ended. If you put the events in terms of Don Henley's End of the Innocence, then you will have been pretty much right on the money.

Myself, I was in New Orleans, Louisiana. Now, you have to remember that New Orleans is only an hour behind New York (New York's in the Eastern time zone, as New Orleans is in the Central). I hadn't yet learned of the planes going into the world Trade Center, or into the Pennsylvania field, or the Pentagon in Washington DC, when I went to work at the Louisiana Superdome (to help clean up for the Saints' home opener against the San Francisco 49ers, which was to commence on the 16th).

I cannot remember exactly what row I was cleaning (though it was, if I'm correct, somewhere in the midlevel on the...I think riverside area of the Dome. As you know, in New Orleans, locals refer to the side of the street closest to the Mississippi River as 'riverside; and the side of the street closest to lake Ponchartrain as 'lakeside'), but around 11:30AM Central time, the supervisor, Mary Wilson, told everyone to stop what they were doing, take their supplies- supplies being mops, brooms, and buckets- to the supply room and evacuate. Now a lot of us worked for this temp agency named Temps Today, so Mary had to sign us out.

As soon as I left the Dome, I went to the Wendy's across the street to get a combo- I think I got a Triple combo, supersized (or as Wendy's call it Biggie). I walked a couple blocks to Duncan Plaza, which is across the street from City Hall, and I saw these buses from the New Orleans RTA (Regional Transit authority) and Jefferson Parish Transit Administration going up and down Loyola Avenue with the signs having either being "Evacuation" or "Emergency" on them. So I turned on the radio to WWL AM 870, one of the big stations in the Big Easy. It was then I had learned that something had happened to the tower. It took me some time to digest what had happened- the towers collapsing, and what not. So I thought to myself, a disaster happened at the World Trade Center.

About an hour after I finished lunch, I went to the New Orleans Public Library, which was also across the street from Duncan Plaza, only a block and a half north on the corner of Loyola and Tulane Avenues. As soon as I got on the computer, I went to the website of WABC-TV Channel 7, New York's ABC flagship station, .

It was only then I had witnessed the horror as planes flew deliberately into both towers of the World Trade Center. I sat horrified as I watched innocents jump from the towers, in vain efforts to save themselves from the inferno. And of people running for their lives from the collapsing towers, and the smoke from them.

Moments later, I learned that the Pentagon had been struck. Fortunately, not many people were in that wing that got hit. Then there is the account of the vain yet heroic efforts of those who tried to regain control of United 93 in Pennsylvania.

No doubt, September 11, 2001 will go down in infamy. Many, myself included, likened the terrorist attacks to the events of December 6, 1941- when another terrorist attack happened on our shores. One that forced our hand, and brought us into an World War. Those events, of course, being the attack on Pearl Harbor, Hawai'i and World War II. In fact, many could call it this generation's Pearl Harbor.

New York City was shown a lot of love in the intervening days. The attacks seemed to have humbled them, and the big, mean image that they've been known for likely have softened that day.

The terrorists' intent, of course, was to bring the United States of America to its' knees. But instead of tearing the country apart, it brought us together. No matter the race, no matter the political party. No matter the sexual orientation even (Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell's knuckleheaded statement that gays, lesbians, and pro-choice folks brought on the events of 9/11 notwithstanding), people of America showed the world that nobody- especially some Islamofacist bastards- would tear us apart. I remember not long after the attacks, I bought a US flag pin, and wore it proudly. Also, in the intervening days and weeks, I've seen many images of anger and pride, intermixed across the country. In New Orleans, I saw this pickup truck passing
the Line 16/South Claiborne RTA bus I rode en route back to the (Temps Today) office reading WE'RE GONNA GET YOU!, In smaller letters, the caption read RIP, WTC, 9/11/01. I remember drawing (more like sketching) a picture of Osama bin Laden, with his eyes crossed- and a target right between his eyes. Oh, yes. I hated- and still do to this day, hate- him.

Speaking of that spawn of Satan, when I saw the picture of that bastard on the front page of The (New Orleans) Times-Picayune about a month later, let's just say that I had to hold myself back from throwing the first object I could pick up. To just fucking gloat as he rehashed details of how he planned the attacks...I just felt like running into Saudi Arabia- or wherever the fuck he hid at- finding him, then have him die a very slow, and painful death. I still feel this way to this day, only, our military troops are doing the job for me. Sure, we still haven't found the bastard yet, but I live for the day when we do. In fact, I'd love to see a televised public execution of Mr. bin Laden. That would do me proud!



Now here it is, five years later. I'm back in Portland, Oregon, about to head to Los Angeles. Will America be terrorized again? Who knows when it will happen again, if so? After all, several more attempts have been made- most recently, the plot to blow up planes coming from Great Britain using plain old liquids and objects. I won't play Mr. Worrywart and say that it'll be a matter of time before America gets terrorized again- be it from Islamofacists, or from members of our own citizentry, even.

The events of 9/11/01 have made us more vigilant and alert, no doubt. Let's not wait until the next terrorist attack to wake up to the danger we constantly face daily.

Storm Large- Portland Still Loves You, Baby (And I Love You, Too)

Storm Large, Portland's rock goddess was booted off CBS' Rockstar: Supernova last night.

The goddamn travesty, those damn judges and those caller who decided that she wasn't fight for Supernova- which consists of former Motley crue drummer Tommy Lee; Metallica's Jason Newsted; and former Guns N' Roses axeman Gilby Clarke (how is working with Axl Rose working out, Gilb?). They don't know a good thing when they see it! Storm sang her balls (or ovaries) out. A total class act. Yes, she had a few missteps, but come on, no one's perfect.

Don't worry, Stormy. You're still a class act to me, and the rest of your adoring fams here in Portland. We look forward to your triumphant return to Dante's, alongside your kick ass group, The Balls, and believe me when I say this, baby. You are a Storm to be reckoned with- and that's no pun.

Somehow, I get the feeling that those guys in Supernova will be even sorrier that they let Storm go. Now they have to put up with Dilana's torture longer. In fact, I fucking hope she gives them nightmares in their sleep. Singing...no, screeching, and hollering. Gee, I'd feel safer hearing the Wicked Witch of the West (from the Wizard of Oz) singing (and cackling...picture Dilana cackling the line, "I'll get you, my pretties...and that goddamned dog, too!").

Strangely enough, I found Storm and Dilana to be a very sexy couple. No, really. Stormy, the six foot gorgeous chatenuse from Portland (by way of Massachusetts), and Dilana, the...um...well, at least Dilana's not a bad looking chick (I say this as I put my fingers in my mouth, and make a gagging gesture).

The great thing about Storm was she handled the call (that she didn't make the cut) with grace and dignity. She does, indeed, do Portland very proud.

May there be sellouts at every venue you play from here on out, Storm.

Welcome home.

Maurice Clarett...I HATE YOU!

Man, I am getting SO. GODDAMN. SICK. Of this Maurice Clarett jackal. OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! I'm ready to smash this keyboard and monitor apart I'mm so mad! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!
Man, just when I'm finally getting the message that I can never, never, NEVER, EVER(!) go back home (to Columbus, Ohio) again, something keep pulling me back!

Maurice Clarett, as we all know, was arrested numerous times over the past year over weapons charges- January, he was arrested for robbing someone, and most recently, in August when he was carrying an arsenal of loaded weapons. Kind of makes you wonder if he's recruiting for or is joining al-Qaida, i know one thing though. His future in the NFL has gone to SHIT CITY! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

Today he was indicted on those weapons charges, plus charges on fleeing police, at Franklin County Courthouse. If he's convicted, he gets to waste a year in jail- as if he hasn't already wasted oxygen- let alone his talent!

Please, Maurice. Just check yourself off this planet. Get one of those loaded guns, put the fucking thing in your mouth, and pull the trigger. Spare all of us- from the Ohio State University down to your baby (and your baby momma)- the grief, and just take your ticket straight down to hell.

Well, If You're Gonna Die...Die Fucking Happy!

Remember that series on Showtime called Zalman King's Red Shoe Diaries? The host was played by The X-Files David Duchovny (I think I still have a crush on him...then again, I have one on country superstar Tim McGraw...different animal, though for the record, that doesn't make me gay or even bi...).

The above is an excerpt from the DVD called Picnic. Happily, Zalman King has brought back The Red Shoes Diaries (though it no longer airs on Showtime) for all of us to enjoy.

I know one thing, man and woman, I need to get my fucking hands on a digital camera and camcorder. FAST!

So sit back and enjoy.