Ted Haggard- New Pastor of the Church of Pussies

Last week, a gay escort stepped forward to mention that the Rev. Ted Haggard, pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, had sex with him, gave him a massage and took meth. This in response to Haggard's support for an amendment in Colorado, Amendment 43, that would put into the Colorado constitution a law that marriage would be only be between a man and a woman. (The paranoia ensues, folks...).

This weekend, Haggard resigned as pastor of New Life, a 14,000 member church. He wrote in a letter that he had "committed sexual immorality..." and that he was a "depraved man."

I call him a man who is running away from who he is- a gay man.

Yes, true believers, the good reverend is what I'd like to call a gay man in deep denial. He has been taught to hate himself, use the Bible as an excuse to hate the very thing that God made him- a man who happens to like men. Oh, sure, Haggard is a married dad of five, with a lovely wife who is probably a bit less loving and supporting amid these revelations. But the question I must ask Teddy Bear (can I callyou that, Ted? Thanks...) is (cue song "How Long (Has This Been Going On)" by Ace) Yes, Ted, how long have you harbored sexual feeling toward guys? How long have you've been craving dick over pussy? How long have you known that youjust daydreamed that you were in a nightclub in Denver, dancing among hot, sweaty, and gorgeous hunks?

I see that the Exodus International- the scam that calls itself an 'ex-gay' ministry (of course, there's that <33% success rate you've got to take into account...hmmm...)- has worked for you, Ted.

Look, Ted Haggard, whether he believes it or no, has just admitted that he's gay. Nothing wrong wioth that. Except that he's beating himself over it instead of embracing it. God still loves him, and God has a place for him to pastor. It could be a branch of the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, or Reconciling Congregations of the United Methodist Church. Hell, the United Church of Christ openly accepts gay men, as does the Universal Unitarian Church.

But whichever church Ted Haggard chooses to pastor in say, a couple years or so (after he goes through the 'denial/grief/acceptance' bit...and after his divorce from his wife becomes final, should that come to pass), at least he'll be in good company. Praising God among those hot, gorgeous hunks. One of them being his new husband, no doubt.