Remember the last time such a smart idea happened? Can you say "2001: Kristallnacht on the Willamette" (only substitute 'anarchists' as opposed to 'Nazi', and 'every damn thing' as opposed to the Jews who suffered that fateful night in November 1938). I can only hope that the natives- meth-addicted or otherwise- have enough sense to bring in 2006 with a bit more sanity.
So...Taliban Commie, er, Tom Potter, our rookie mayor says that there's no money in the budget to hold such an event, known to be 'family-friendly' by many. Might I offer a few 'family-friendly' suggestions?
1.LET PLAYBOY OR MAXIM MAGAZINE- OR MTV SPONSOR THE ANNUAL CELEBRATION:
After all, they have every goddamned thing you need to throw the biggest (or one of the biggest, anyway) soirees of the year: Babes, Booze, and most important, MONEY! LOTS OF IT! Sure we may have to pay a cover charge (say, $10, but no more than $20), and you'll have to get carded at the PCS gates (oh, don't forget the metal detectors and private security...or extra Portland- in addition to Gresham, Beaverton, Milwaukie, and even other jurisdictions- police officers. After all, we don't need any haters crashing the party...). But think of all of the beer, Cristal; Absolut...all of those nude and/or semi nude hotties dancing on that stage (don't worry, girls, the stage will have heaters, and you'll be well protected from that patented Pacific Northwest winter rain). Plus, you have the TriMet MAX and bus service (as well as that of C-Tran, the transit district across the Columbia in Clark County, Washington), all gratis.
2. MOVE THE CELEBRATION TO TOM MCCALL WATERFRONT PARK
Hey, it's a bigger space! Plus those corporations aforementioned can afford it. Plus, you can bring the big acts- Beyonce Knowles (such a fucking pity that Destiny's Child split up...tsk, tsk, tsk...); the Sisters Simpson (Ashlee and the soon-to-be divorced Jessica, the latter who could do a strip tease or two out of those Daisy Dukes. Sorry, Nick, you can't say shit about that anymore...oh, by the way, neither of them can sing...); Mariah Carey (who I'd like to pork any day, any time, any motherfucking place! BRING IT ON, BABY!); and perhaps the harder rock acts too. Hey, even KXL's Lars Larson can emcee the event, alongside PK from "The Playhouse" on KXL's sister station, Jammin' 95.5 KXJM (and the next day, get a frying pan across his big fat head by his beloved Tina. But believe me, Lars, it'll all be well worth it...by the way, Lars, nice fucking idea on the cross on PCS. Will your head- or a papier-machie sculpture of it grace the top of the cross?...). Even better, have the celebration at both places!
Since our so-called liberal oasis decided to pussy themselves out of the party business, these are but two of the best ideas I can come up with (after all, I doubt very seriously that bringing a religious revival to the Square on New Year's Eve will sit well with people wanting the holy wine mixed in with their Absolut...might work in The Dalles, 80 miles to the east, or even Bend, 160 miles to the southeast, however...). If anybody can come up with better ideas, post your comments here, or e-mail me at dwa97209@yahoo.com or thealex03@netscape.net.
HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS! MERRY CHRISTMAS! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, BABY!
Copyright 2005, by Darren W. Alexander. All Rights Reserved.
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